We all know the traditional zoo routine. You pay a small fortune for admission, immediately sweat through your shirt, and spend three hours dragging your feet over melting asphalt while a toddler screams in the distance. But on a trip to the local zoo this past Summer, I discovered a profound, beautiful truth about myself. My favorite part of the zoo isn't the majestic lions, the playful penguins, or the giant giraffes.
My favorite part is the miniature train. Specifically, sitting on the miniature train, feeling the slight artificial breeze on my face, and listening to the therapeutic clack-clack-clack of the tracks while everyone else suffers.
The Choo-Choo Manifesto
As the train pulled away from the station on my last visit, leaving a crowd of sunburned, heavily breathing pedestrians in our dust, a grand vision hit me. Why are we walking? Why is the train just a 5 minute novelty loop that drops us right back where we started? I don't want a ride at the zoo. I want the zoo to be a ride.
Imagine a world where you hop into a comfortable, shaded train car at the front gates, and it just takes you on a grand, sweeping tour of the entire kingdom. You roll right past the elephants. You coast over a bridge looking down at the fish. You get a nice, elevated view of the monkeys. If an animal is hiding behind a rock, you don't care, because you didn't just trek up a 45 degree incline to see it. You just glide right on by, sipping an iced drink in the shade.
Am I Lazy? (An Investigation)
Does this desire make me lazy? Look, if you ask my fitness tracker, the answer is an aggressive, definitive yes. But if you ask my soul, I call it optimal efficiency. There is a fine line between "appreciating nature" and "willfully subjecting yourself to heatstroke." Wanting to view wildlife from a moving vehicle isn't lazy; it’s literally how people do safaris in Africa. Nobody is out there on foot trying to power walk past a cheetah in the Serengeti. They are in a Jeep. I am simply asking for that exact same level of respect and luxury, but with a whimsical steam engine whistle.
The Final Verdict
Until the global zoo syndicate listens to my brilliant business proposal, I will continue to be the person who buys three consecutive train tickets. If you need me next summer, I’ll be the one riding the rails, waving gracefully at the sweaty masses on the walking paths, and living my best, breeziest life.
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