So, I’ve been keeping a pretty massive secret from you all. I’m a vampire. Yes, an actual, undead, fangs and all creature of the night. And no, I don't live in a crumbling gothic castle in Transylvania. I live in a modest home in West Des Moines, Iowa.
Turns out, being a vampire in 2026 Iowa is a highly specific vibe. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to navigate eternal damnation in the Heartland, or what I’m actually doing since I’m not hunting humans, here’s a peak behind the velvet curtain.
What I’m Eating (Because People Are Gross)
First things first: I don't drink human blood. Honestly, have you seen the average Midwestern diet? If I bite into someone right now, my cholesterol would skyrocket, and I'd basically be drinking 40% Ranch dressing and 60% Busch Light. No thank you. Instead, I’ve had to get creative to survive:
• The "Premium" Blend: I have a highly illegal, undercover deal with a local butcher for pure, organic cow blood. I mix it with a splash of oat milk and some pumpkin spice creamer. Don't judge me, it’s autumn.
• The Sweet Stuff: It turns out high-fructose corn syrup acts like a mild upper for the undead. A late night run to Casey’s for a slice of breakfast pizza and a sugary fountain drink doesn't technically sustain my life force, but it keeps the existential dread away.
• Synthetic dynamic: I'm currently trying to order some of those synthetic blood substitutes online, but trying to explain to FedEx why my package needs to be left in the shade is a nightmare.
The Perks: Things I Can Do Now That I Couldn't Before
Being undead isn't all burning skin and avoiding garlic bread. There are some seriously fun upgrades to my routine:
• Conquering the RAGBRAI Night Shift: I can’t do the actual daytime bike ride across Iowa because I’ll literally turn into a pile of ash on Highway 6. But flying over the route at 2:00 AM as a bat? Majestic. I get to swoop down, steal people's left-behind cheese curds, and hiss at raccoons.
• The Ultimate Corn Maze Champion: Remember getting lost in a corn maze for three hours while sweating through your flannel? Not anymore. I can just levitate six feet into the air, map out the exit, or simply turn into mist and drift through the stalks. Take that, local pumpkin patch.
• Winter Immunity: Iowa winters are brutal, but my blood is already cold. I walked outside during that sub-zero blizzard last January in just a silk cloak, completely unfazed. My neighbors think I'm just a really intense CrossFit guy.
• Infinite Time for Hobbies: When you don't sleep, you have a lot of free time. According to users discussing immortality, many vampires use their endless nights to learn instruments or master arts. I used my extra time to finally read the entire Wikipedia page for every single small town in Iowa. Did you know Britt, Iowa has a National Hobo Convention? Guess who is crashing that next year!
The Downsides (The Struggle is Real)
It's not all fun and games. Living in a state that prides itself on being "Iowa Nice" makes being a creature of darkness incredibly awkward.
• The Mirror Situation: I can't see my reflection. Do you know how hard it is to ensure your eyebrows look good before going out? I have to rely on my smart-home camera app to tell me if I look presentable.
• Social Obligations: If someone invites me over for a daytime backyard barbecue, I have to spend 20 minutes crafting a polite excuse about my "severe pollen allergy to sunlight" because the truth ("I will explode") sounds dramatic.
Anyway, I have to go black out my bedroom windows with three more layers of tin foil before the sun comes up. Stay spooky, Iowa.
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