Squash Goals: The Time We Wore Pumpkin Heads Into the Woods

 

Squash Goals: The Time We Wore Pumpkin Heads Into the Woods

If you’ve scrolled through TikTok or Instagram lately, you’ve probably seen the viral pumpkin head photoshoot trend. It looks moody, cozy, and perfectly surreal. Like a regular person just going about their day, except, you know, they have a giant glowing gourd for a face. Naturally, my girlfriend and I decided we absolutely had to try it this Halloween. What the 15 second internet clips don’t tell you is exactly how messy, chaotic, and downright hilarious the behind the scenes reality actually is.

Phase 1: The Deck Massacre

Our journey started at a stand on the side of the road, hunting for the most structurally sound, head shaped pumpkins we could find. (Pro tip: you have to look for height and width, or your nose is going to be squished against raw pumpkin flesh.) Back on the deck, the operation began. Instead of cutting the top off like a normal jack-o'-lantern, we flipped them over and carved giant holes out of the bottom so they could actually slide over our heads. Then came the scooping. We scraped, clawed, and wiped down the insides until our arms ached. But no matter how much you scrape, a pumpkin interior is still an absolute horror show of cold, damp pulp. Enter our secret weapon: shower caps. We snapped those bad boys over our hair, took deep breaths, and hoisted the massive orange helmets onto our heads.

Phase 2: Into the Woods

Once we were suited up wearing matching flannel shirts, we drove out to the local woods to capture that perfect eerie, atmospheric vibe. Trudging through the trees in pumpkin heads is an extreme sport. Your peripheral vision is zero. Your own breath instantly fogs up the eye holes, creating a humid, micro climate of pure pumpkin aroma. But the moment the camera started clicking, it was pure magic. There is something so weirdly comforting about posing when nobody can see your actual face. You don’t have to worry about whether your smile looks forced or if you blinked. As long as you don't fall over, you look amazing. The final shots looked incredible against the fall foliage, completely blending spooky season vibes with a bit of whimsical humor.

What If We Actually Had Pumpkin Heads?

Driving home (with regular heads, thankfully), I started thinking about what life would be like if this wasn't just a temporary photoshoot. What if we actually woke up one day as permanent, real life pumpkin heads? A few crazy things that would definitely happen:

• The November 1st Crisis: The most terrifying day of the year wouldn't be Halloween, it would be the day after. While everyone else is nursing a candy hangover, we’d be frantically trying to avoid rot, mold, and fruit flies.

• A Very Weird Skincare Routine: Forget moisturizer. We’d be treating our faces with daily sprays of bleach water solutions and rubbing vegetable oil on our skin just to keep from shriveling up in the dry winter air.

• The Ultimate Squirrel Threat: Walking through the park would become high stakes survival. Forget aggressive stray dogs, we’d be constantly hunted by hyperactive squirrels looking to score a free, heavy breakfast right off our shoulders.

• Candlelit Mood Lighting: On the bright side, dating would be incredibly romantic. Want to set the mood for dinner? Just blow out the overhead lights and drop a couple of flickering LED tea lights directly into our skulls.

All in all, the photoshoot was an absolute blast and a memory we'll be laughing about for a long time. If you're looking for a fun, slightly gooey DIY project with your partner this October, grab some shower caps, head to the patch, and get carving!

Pumpkins in the Dark


About the Author: Thomas Brogan
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