Let’s get one thing straight: I am not a Viking. The closest I usually get to the great outdoors and axes is watching a nature documentary on Netflix while sitting under your blanket.
Yet, there I was last weekend, standing in a room full of adrenaline, holding a literal weapon. Here is the unfiltered truth about what happens when an aggressively uncoordinated person tries axe throwing for the first time.
1. The Sudden Identity Crisis
The second you walk into an axe throwing venue, your inner monologue changes. Suddenly, you aren’t a person who works in marketing or worries about spreadsheets. You are a Viking warrior preparing for battle. You start eyeing the flannel shirts in the room and wondering if you could pull off a full beard (spoiler: I cannot).
2. The Weapon is Heavy (and Terrifying)
When the instructor hands you the axe, reality sets in. This isn’t a plastic toy from a Halloween store. It is a sharp, heavy chunk of steel attached to a wooden stick. My initial thought was less "I am Thor" and more "I am going to accidentally amputate my own foot."
3. The Art of the "Thud"
There is a specific sound you want to hear when you throw an axe: a satisfying, deep THWACK as the blade bites into the wood.
Do you know what sound I made instead? Clang!
For the first fifteen minutes, my axe did everything except stick to the target. It hit the wood flat. It bounced off the wall. It hit the floor and rolled awkwardly toward the target like a sad, metallic bowling ball.
4. The Accidental Bullseye
Just when I was about to accept my fate as the worst assassin in history, it happened. I brought the axe back, stepped forward, and let go.
THWACK.
Dead center. A perfect bullseye. The crowd went wild (ok, in my head). I turned around and smiled like I planned it all along. The truth? I had closed my eyes right before releasing it. It was 100% luck, but I will defend my status as a natural born prodigy until the day I die.
The Final Thought
If you are looking for a way to relieve stress, feel like a badass, and mildly terrify your friends, go axe throwing. Just make sure to wear closed toe shoes, listen to the safety coach, and prepare to have very sore arms the next morning!
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