A true archaeologist knows that a fedora, a leather jacket, and a bullwhip don’t just manifest out of thin air. They require meticulous procurement. When my gear started showing the wear and tear of too many narrow escapes from rolling boulders, my map coordinates pointed me to a massive, modern citadel of commerce in West Des Moines: the Jordan Creek Town Center
Walking into Iowa’s largest retail complex fully dressed for a 1936 Peruvian jungle expedition draws some looks. But an adventurer does not care about strange stares when there is vital gear to be acquired. Here is my field log from a high-stakes shopping expedition.
Commandeering Base Camp at Scheels
Every dangerous trek requires an absolute powerhouse of an outfitter. I slipped past all the Iowa State gear inside the massive Scheels to scan the terrain.
- The Challenge: Navigating past the life-sized statues of US Presidents without expecting them to come alive and trigger a poison dart trap.
- The Thrill: Finding heavy-duty hiking boots and survival rope that could easily substitute for a worn out bullwhip.
- The Verdict: This place isn't just a store, it’s an absolute monument to the outdoors. If it can survive the rugged trails of the Heartland, it can survive an ancient tomb.
The Riddle of the Relics at The LEGO Store
Deep in Center Court, I located a colorful chamber packed with bricks containing miniature, blocky reconstructions of the world's greatest wonders. I infiltrated The LEGO Store to investigate.
- The Challenge: Trying to explain to the store employees why I needed a plastic archeological playset for "official university research purposes."
- The Thrill: Seeing tiny plastic versions of ancient temples and classic airplanes.
- The Verdict: "It belongs in a museum!" Or at least on the shelf in my office at Polk County.
Uncovering Premium Artifacts at Von Maur
An explorer must occasionally clean up for a university gala or a high-society dinner with a local sultan. I marched my dusty boots right into the grand, elegant corridors of Von Maur.
- The Challenge: Keeping my hand away from my whip while a live pianist played beautiful, echoing music throughout the department store.
- The Thrill: Inspecting the legendary, premium shoe department for a pair of leather oxfords that could withstand a high-speed chase on top of a moving train.
- The Verdict: Immaculate customer service. They even offered interest free charging. I wonder if they accept gold coins from the Spanish Armada?
Fueling the Expedition at The Cheesecake Factory
By midday, the heavy leather jacket and felt fedora had me burning through calories. I fought my way through the hungry weekend crowds to secure a table at The Cheesecake Factory along the lakefront.
- The Challenge: Reading a menu so massive and dense it looked like an ancient, translated scroll of Alexandria.
- The Thrill: The high reward payoff of a massive plate of brown bread and a slice of celebratory cheesecake.
- The Verdict: A culinary triumph. I would face a pit of snakes before I let anyone steal my leftovers.
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