I have tried float therapy 4 times in my life. Proponents call it "sensory deprivation." I now call it "paying $80 to masquerade as a potato in a giant bowl of salty broth." If you have ever wanted to experience absolute, mind altering nothingness, this is the sport for you. Here is exactly what happens when you lock yourself inside a dark, watery pod.
The Oceans of Epsom Salt
The first thing you need to know about float therapy is that they do not skimp on the salt. They use around 1,000 pounds of Epsom salt. That is not a typo. It is enough sodium to pickle a small elephant.
The water is so dense with salt that it feels less like liquid and more like a heavy, slippery syrup. You cannot sink even if you try. I spent the first five minutes testing this, aggressively trying to push my rear end to the bottom of the tank, only to bounce right back up like a plastic rubber duck.
Entering the Void
Once you shower and step into the pod, you pull the heavy lid down. It is pitch black. It is completely silent. The water and air are heated to skin temperature. This is where the magic happens. Because the water matches your body heat and you are floating effortlessly, you completely lose track of where your body ends and the water begins.
For the first fifteen minutes, my brain refused to accept this absolute peace:
- Minute 1: Wow, I am a weightless cloud.
- Minute 5: Did I lock my car?
- Minute 10: I wonder what my elbows look like right now. I can’t feel them.
- Minute 15: Am I just a floating head?
Eventually, your brain gives up the fight. You enter this bizarre, dreamy state where you aren't quite awake but aren't quite asleep. You are just a conscious blob drifting through space. It is incredibly relaxing, right up until you accidentally splash water into your eye and remember the blinding power of 1,000 pounds of salt. After 60 minutes of floating you are relaxed and it's time to get out.
The Crusty Aftermath
When the gentle music plays to signal the end of your session, you step out of the pod looking like a glazed donut. As the water evaporates, you immediately begin to turn into a pillar of salt. You have to take a serious, scrubbing shower to remove the layer of white crust forming on your skin. Even after washing, I was finding rogue salt crystals in my ears for three days.
Would I do it again? Absolutely. My spine felt three inches longer, and my anxiety was thoroughly melted away. Just remember to keep your mouth closed, your eyes shut, and embrace your inner soup.
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